How Breathwork Blew my Mind

A little known tool for clearing the emotional decks is at the end of your nose

Photo by David Brooke Martin on Unsplash

Emotions are a tricky thing.

We swim through a river of shallow eddies, choppy waters, and peaceful ponds on any given day. The odd set of violent rapids kicks in, and one hopes (prays), they are an occasional detour on this journey called life.

Many of our emotions are benign, some are problematic, others are life-altering. There’s also love, of course, the magic ingredient that makes it all worthwhile. And unfortunately, there are the deep weeds down at the mucky bottom of the river – the emotions that are downright toxic.

No one on earth is immune from swimming in this river, and I’m no exception.

Emotions, or ‘energy in motion’ are a fluid thing. They come, they go, they are the inner soundtrack of our lives. Except when they get stuck.

This is a very personal story of how, this winter, I came to be un-stuck.

An Off Grid Adventure

I’m at a glorious place in life right now. My children are young adults, and my husband and I have hit a groove where we do many things together, but we each have our own hobbies and interests.

In short, I have some freedom.

As any parent or career person knows, it’s hard won. There were many years in which freedom was in short supply, and that makes it so much sweeter when it finally arrives.

And so it was that I booked my very first wellness retreat this past winter in gorgeous Costa Rica. Off grid, deep in the jungle, a little mysterious, a lot intriguing. Yoga, meditation, vegetarian food grown on campus, even a multi-day ceremony with a famous shaman.

What’s not to love??

I was beyond excited, imagining endless ‘me’ time, taking in the sights and sounds of the rainforest without a care in the world. I had a few days to myself at the outset, before the main event, a workshop involving deep meditation and some serious inner work.

Just for fun, and because it worked for my schedule, I spotted a breathwork workshop that fit those opening days, and thought ‘why not’?

I didn’t bother to read the course description first. I had my eye on the prize; a deep dive with a spiritual master over my last five days, a marathon of mindfulness and self-examination.

Besides, let’s be honest: how hard could it be? I mean, it’s just BREATHING.

A Curveball Cometh

Photo by Mark König on Unsplash

Cue one slightly smug and self-assured naturopath taking her place in the opening circle, explaining that I’ve done TONS of breathwork with yoga, and I’m here to unwind and reboot. I may have privately mused that this could be interesting as a professional observer. This was not my first rodeo in breathing mindfully, after all.

The instructor just nodded (was that a glint in his eye?).

He explained that breathwork could be a powerful portal to buried emotions, and one of our bodies’ natural conduits to processing past trauma. We all nodded along sagely. We’d signed up for a wellness retreat, and the language of healing is par for the course.

We made ourselves comfortable on yoga mats amongst heaps of pillows. What a nice nap in the jungle, I thought.

The breathwork cues began - a much deeper and faster pace of breathing than our normal, shallow breath. Initially, it was uncomfortable, and I struggled to keep up. The instructor’s melodious voice urged us on in gentle tones, a calming mantra to the surprisingly hard work of breathing properly.

After five minutes, my mind began to wander. A narrative along the lines of “this is uncomfortable”, “maybe I should have gone for a hike”, and “I’m hungry”. Once again, the instructor urged us to stay the course.

What happened next continues to boggle my mind. I began to weep. My tears were unstoppable.

Let’s be clear: I don’t cry easily. I’m a rock for others. That’s what I do and have done since childhood.

I. Do. Not. Cry.

While one part of my brain wondered where in the world this was coming from, another part knew in my very bones that I was accessing muck that had been hanging around for a very long time.

Because here’s the strange part. I didn’t begin by thinking of sad events, or angry episodes, or life regrets. But that is indeed what was pouring forth as I gulped between rivers of tears.

The Mind Body Connection

You’ve all heard me go on about the power of the mind body connection. The great thinkers who have blazed a trail, the emerging science of mapping our emotions, the theories I’ve gleaned over a lifetime of studying the subject.

But never, NEVER, did I imagine that perhaps, some of those emotions were lying dormant, awaiting release. In me.

It was a gigantic slice of humble pie, served up on a yoga mat in the most unexpected of places.

I spent three days in that workshop, alternately crying and coming to grips with the fact that this had lain buried for a long time indeed. I mean, I work in this world, and I work at this stuff. Or at least I thought I did.

When Life Gives you Lemons

Photo by Estúdio Bloom on Unsplash

The biggest surprise is that breathwork was, hands down, the best thing I did for myself all year.

Was it tumultuous? Yes. Hard work? Absolutely. A fresh start? Without a doubt.

The most powerful lesson I gained is that when life gives you lemons – and we all get lemons – the most damaging thing we can do is to bury those feelings. It HURTS to go through them, but as our wise instructor said, the only way is through.

Is breathwork the sole conduit to working through life’s difficult moments? Of course not. It’s only one tool in a vast toolbox, including, of course, professional therapy.

How you choose to work your way clear of those muddy waters is a win, no matter how you get there.

In the closing circle, still a bit dazed, I mumbled inadequate words of thanks to our brilliant guide, who had literally held my hand when I couldn’t stop crying. It hardly felt like enough.

I felt washed clean, transformed, ready to take on the world, and maybe, just maybe, a little bit wiser.

The most astounding part? This voyage into the eye of the storm and out the other side didn’t take a five day deep dive into meditation or a shaman to access.

All it took was my breath.

Hi, I’m Heather.

I’m a licensed naturopath, an unlicensed free spirit, a mother, a yogi, a dog lover, a mystic, a goofball, an average but enthusiastic dancer. Most of all, I’m curious.

I’m on a mission to bring you on a magical mystery tour of wellness, whimsy, and wanderlust. Thanks for tuning in.

For more Tumbleweed goodies, connect with me on Instagram @heather.r.martin